When Parents feel Nervous - How to Model Healthy Coping for your Anxious Child
On a recent family vacay, I had an "Oh Sh*t” moment with my son staring right at me, waiting for my next move. I set the scene in my newsletter, but in case you missed it, here it is:
After walking into a cenote (basically an underground cave with a body of water), I saw my son run toward a zipline. He was so excited and brave, and just went for it! This little 8-year old human being grabbed onto the handle bars of the zipline, and launched his body into the water - for the first time in his life - and had a blast doing it - again and again! After his first go-around, he turned to me:
My son (Lucas): "Mom, c'mon - let's do it!"
Me: 😳 (Internally freaking out + thinking fast… )
Anxiety suddenly came over me REAL quick. I felt the discomfort in my body - heart racing, clammy hands, a little wobble in the knees. I noticed my thoughts: "Oh sh*t. That is very high."
And then quickly decided what to do.
⬅️ Picture taken before I saw the ridiculously high zipline 😅
Whether you’re sitting at the top of a zipline at a cenote in Mexico - thinking about diving into a lake, preparing for a work presentation, or nervous about a big event coming up - feeling anxiety pump through your body is intense. And when your child is there to witness it - what can you do?
[Pssst… Want science-backed coaching tips for parents of anxious children straight to your inbox?
What to say and do to model healthy coping of anxiety for children:
1. Label the emotion + the trigger.
Get specific but keep it simple. Sometimes we don’t know what we’re feeling in the moment - and that is totally okay - we can share that too! Maybe you’re feeling a mix of emotions - I’m feeling a little nervous, but also excited!
The trigger could be something going on in the environment - in my case - seeing my body so high, and the water down below- that is definitely what made me feel anxious! But the trigger could also be a thought. Maybe you’re feeling worried because you’re thinking about that big presentation tomorrow. You’re nervous about the questions you might get and what your co-workers will think.
Find a simple and clear way to share with your child about the thing that triggered your anxiety. Here’s what I said to Lucas:
"Wow buddy - I'm feeling really nervous because this is pretty high!"
2. Model compassionate + encouraging self-talk.
Maybe in the moment it’s hard to tap into encouragement for yourself, but that’s okay. You can talk about that out loud too! It could sound something like this: Right now my brain is full of negative, worry thoughts, but let me take a sec because I know that those are usually sneaky thoughts that aren’t based in facts.
Then, model for your child how you’re being kind to yourself in the moment, and how you are cheering yourself on. Here’s what I said my son at the top of that zipline:
"It's okay and normal to feel scared. This also looks really FUN, and I know it's safe. I'm gonna take a few deep breaths and go for it!" Seeing Lucas’s encouraging smile was priceless.
3. Take a brave step toward facing your fear.
This can look lots of different ways! That day at the cenote - I went for the full on brave step: I went on the zipline (it felt SO fast 😱) and launched myself into the water. It ended up being pretty fun! We both ziplined a few more times 😄 But I did not have to do that in order to model healthy coping of anxiety! When I coach parents who are not quite feeling up for the task of doing the scary thing, full on - we focus on the most important piece of all of this:
Break the BIG SCARY THING into brave steps for your anxious child!
It is so powerful to normalize for your child that sometimes we may not be able to do something that feels really scary in the moment, even if we know that it is safe. But we can ALWAYS find a way to take a brave step.
➡️ In my cenote example, maybe that means hanging out at the top of the zipline - holding onto the handlebars and seeing what it feels like to be up there. Maybe it means watching others go down + imagining what that feels like.
➡️ If you’re feeling nervous for that big presentation - maybe taking brave steps means doing a practice run in front of a small group of colleagues (and letting your little one watch you set up that Zoom meeting!).
➡️ If your child is feeling nervous about going to a sleepover party, maybe they can start with practicing sleepovers with just one or two kids.
Whatever it is - there’s always a brave step that will make you a bit uncomfortable and get you closer to preparing to do the thing that’s making you feel anxious. We practice this a LOT in my online parent coaching course because it’s one of the most important skills in parenting a child with anxiety!
⭐️ Bonus Step: Talk about the value behind facing your fear.
Regardless of whether it “works out.” I circled back to Lucas to share one last thought:
"Wow, buddy - I felt really nervous about going on that zipline. But I took a brave step and realized it was actually fun! Things won't always work out that way, but I'm glad I tried it so that I could decide whether it was fun or not - I wanna make sure I'm the one calling the shots - not anxiety!"
It would be amazing if every time our kids took a brave step it turned out great - but that’s not reality unfortunately (if only!).
➡️ Sometimes they will work up the courage to go to that birthday party, and they won’t have anyone to talk to.
➡️ Or they’ll do that presentation, and get asked a question that totally throws them off.
When coaching parents of anxious children, I always caution against this! Please don’t assure your child that once they enter the situation, it’ll go exactly as they hoped!
Instead: Convey confidence in your child’s ability to cope with the situation.
Hone in on the fact your child should be the boss of their own decisions about whether to do something or not. Sometimes they’ll feel nervous, and other times less so - but no matter what - they should get to choose! Because as soon as we let anxiety call the shots on whether you are going to try something or not - their world gets gradually smaller and smaller.
Next time sh*t gets real, and you feel your OWN anxiety creep up - check in with yourself - how can you use this as an opportunity to model healthy coping with anxiety?
Coping with Guilt as the Parent of an Anxious Child
As the parent of an anxious child, it can be really easy to slip into only focusing on what our kids are doing, and forgetting what we as parents are doing. We dive deep into this in my online parent coaching course because here’s the thing:
What we do and how we talk to our kids when they’re feeling anxious (and when we’re feeling anxious) is critical to how our kids learn to cope with anxiety!
I hope that the shift to thinking about what you're doing is empowering. But after working with hundreds of parents of kiddos who struggle with anxiety (and reflecting on my own experiences as a mama), I know that feelings of guilt and shame can come up too. Sneaky thoughts like, Am I causing my child's anxiety? can come up - and we'll discuss specific strategies to help you cope with that if/when that shows up for you.
What do you do to tune into compassion for yourself?
💗 Here's a quick tip. When you notice that you are starting to beat yourself up - take a moment to pause. Take a deep breath. Listen to the words that you’re saying to yourself in this moment and take a snapshot of it. Maybe it sounds like…
Gosh, why did you say that?!
Ugh, I’m such a terrible parent.
No wonder my kid is anxious - I can’t even get my own sh*t together!
Ugh, my fingers hurt typing that because I know how mean we can be to ourselves sometimes. I wish it weren’t true, but we’ve all been there sometimes.
Now, after you’ve taken a screenshot in your brain of ALL the mean things, imagine this:
Your little one is grown up and has recently become a Mom/Dad. They call you and tell you about their hard day. Parenting kicked their butt today, and they’re calling you to vent. You listen on the phone to your baby say to you: "I'm so bad at this parenting thing. I feel like I'm never going to get this right."
How do you respond to your child? Can you try to extend that same loving kindness to yourself? What does that sound like? Now jot down your ideas (these are notes to your future self who will likely beat you up at some point!). Maybe your notes look something like this:
Parenting feels hard, because it is hard.
You’re trying your best and you’ll keep learning as you go.
If you thought you had it all figured out, you probably wouldn’t be a good parent! A great sign of good parenting is when you’re gently pushing yourself to reflect and improve.
I am cheering you on to give this a try! When our kids see us and hear us being kind to ourselves - they also learn to show themselves kindness. What better gift could we give our children - especially to our extra sensitive kiddos who struggle with anxiety?
